


The Gang Writes a Call-Out Post

by igiveup101



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Canon-Typical Warnings, each character gets a section to rag on the other four
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 21:48:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17434118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igiveup101/pseuds/igiveup101
Summary: The gang reflects on their least favorite things about each other.OREvery member of the gang explains why each of the other four is a piece of shit.





	The Gang Writes a Call-Out Post

Honestly, Frank was probably the only reasonable person in the Gang. The others were fucking crazy- which was the whole point, that was why he hung around with them. It was fun! He just threw money in the direction of whatever wacky scheme they had cooking up and watched them go nuts. He even got to join them most of the time. He was back in his prime, doing whatever the fuck without a care in the world. He was having the time of his life.

Which wasn’t to say that he didn’t notice that the others were also, by and large, pieces of shit. That was what he liked about them. Take Charlie, his best friend- absolute fucking idiot. He loved the kid, but  _ goddamn _ , what a dumbass. Couldn’t even read, and didn’t have half an ounce of impulse control. Just did whatever the hell he wanted, whenever he wanted to do it, regardless of whether or not the gang was begging him not to. Got them into a lot of trouble- it was  _ awesome. _  That guy had no sense of consequences. The others were impulsive, but they didn’t huff glue and eat garbage with Frank like Charlie did. They had _aspirations_ , which was good for schemes, but a real pain in the ass for Frank’s ideal scumbag lifestyle.

Like Mac, when he moved in for a day, getting all bossy and throwing Frank’s toe knife out the window as if it were any of his business. As if that homo had any right to talk- for all his bossiness, he was just as impulsive as anyone else in the gang. Hell of a temper. Frank might pull out his gun at a moment’s notice, but Mac would run fist-first into a fight and get his ass kicked with no prompting at all. The idiot was always ready to pick a fight, and never ready to win one. He’d probably get himself killed someday while trying to kill someone way tougher than him.

Not that Frank’s kids- if he could call them that- were any better. Dennis was fucking  _ crazy _ . The kid fully believed that he was God’s gift to humanity- that he  _ was _ a god. Went around wearing makeup like a queer and fucking girls like a straight guy; he was obviously confused about who the hell he was, and no wonder, the way that whore Barbara raised him like a collectible doll. Vain as hell, really. Ready to do just about anything if it got him compliments, like that would fill his ‘god hole’ or whatever the fuck he was talking about when he signed on to Wolf Cola. Frank would be surprised if Dennis was even aware that there was anyone in the world that didn’t exist to flatter his ego or suck his dick.

And as for Dee, she deserved all the shit she got from the gang. Never anything but a liability in their schemes, always gangly and uncoordinated and nosing her way in. She really didn’t seem to understand  _ anything. _ Kept acting like anyone at all wanted her there, like she was part of the gang, when really she was just a petty bitch who refused to go away. She was completely unreliable, always abandoning their schemes the second something didn’t go her way and then forcing her way back in when her Plan B backfired. Not to mention that she’d rather fuck over a guy who snubbed her than help the gang get rich quick. For all her delusions of grandeur- she really wasn’t much better than her shithead brother in that department- she was nothing more than a talentless, uncoordinated, bird-looking cunt who never went along for the good of the gang. 

So the rest of the gang was a wash- an idiot, a short fuse, a narcissist, and a backstabber- which pretty much guaranteed their plans were never going to work. But that was a given; if the plans ever worked, they wouldn’t get to do another one. That would be it, game over. Where was the fun in that? The gang was a dysfunctional group of incompetent scumbags who would never amount to anything, and Frank’s job was to slide in and take his place among them as the Trash Treasurer. And why not? He was getting old, who knew how much longer he’d be around? He was gonna get real weird with it.

\--

Dennis was surrounded by fucking maniacs. He knew that, and yet it seemed absolutely beyond his power to get away from any of them. They’d ruined him, and now when he tried to function in the outside world alongside regular people, he seemed like a freak. He used to be cool, and chill, and now he was turning  _ weird _ and  _ angry _ , just like all the rest of them. He was a five-star man who’d been reduced to one-star ratings by their complete insanity. 

It wasn’t like he’d been given the greatest start, either, not with fucking Frank Reynolds as his so-called-father. That motherfucker was such a piece of  _ shit _ when Dennis was growing up- when he even bothered to be around. He’d buy presents for Christmas just to rub it in Dennis’s face that he couldn’t have them. He’d show up at three in the morning with a hooker on each arm and get in a screaming fight with his wife, shooting holes into the walls and waking up his kids. He’d even pimp out his own kids- sort of- for money. It was incredible that Dennis had ever managed to be such an incredible specimen, growing up with that sadistic, unreliable bastard for a father.

Hell, look at Dee- that dumb bitch was a  _ mess _ . She really thought she was something! She thought she still had the time or talent to become an actress, or a comedian, even when literally everybody else was telling her she didn’t. She thought she could have standards for men, as if she were ever going to be able to do any better than any of the barely-human men Dennis found for her. And she was so convinced she was better than the rest of them- thinking she was the high and mighty voice of reason when she was as crazy and desperate as any of the others, insisting she was being dragged along on their plans when they were doing everything they could to shake her. She really believed that she was a normal, talented woman with morals who was just unappreciated and abused by the gang, dragged down to their level. She was fucking  _ delusional. _

Almost as delusional as Mac, who managed to lie to himself for an ungodly amount of time about his sexuality and had now replaced that lie with one equally as ridiculous, the idea that he had a chance with  _ Dennis Reynolds _ . It was more than creepy, it was pathetic. He was always walking in on Dennis in the shower or in bed with a woman, always making some excuse to get a hand on him. He’d gotten a  _ sex doll _ of him when he was in North Dakota, shooting his loads into it like that was ever anything that would happen in real life. Mac used to be a relatively cool dude, but it was like all he did now was try to touch Dennis or catch him naked, and then pretend it was a coincidence. When he wasn’t perving around he was trying to bring things up ‘subtly,’ talking around the issue and not looking Dennis in the eye, making everything just so much fucking weirder that Dennis had no choice but to scratch him- and then, what, he was supposed to feel bad about it?

Charlie never tried to be subtle, but he shared Mac’s complete inability to understand romance or sex. He’d been stalking the same chick for years, breaking into her house to clog her sink and paying people to spy on her, as if any of that were even remotely sexy. What woman would want anything to do with a man who never bathed, couldn’t read, hung out naked with an old man in a sewer, and refused to leave her alone for even a single goddamn day? He hired a man to stab her, but couldn’t even commit to letting her get stabbed and subsequently nursing her back to health. Dennis had been treating the waitress like shit for years, and she  _ still _ preferred him over Charlie, because Dennis wasn’t so obviously desperate. Charlie just stalked her, ignored her restraining orders, and then acted surprised that she hadn’t realized how romantic it was.

Dennis was surrounded by a group of complete and utter freaks. They escalated everything, all the time, going from one to a thousand for no reason at all, and they’d dragged him down into the mud with them. Any time he was trying to have a regular conversation with anyone, the gang would burst in and ruin it, and now even when they weren’t there he could still  _ feel _ them, lingering in the edges of his mind and stoking the flames of red-hot rage inside of him. They were inescapable. Dennis had gotten caught up in a gang of maniacs, and it was going to be the death of him.

\--

The thing about the gang was that, like, they weren’t really good people- honestly, they were pretty bad, actually- but they weren’t, like,  _ prison _ bad, either. They weren’t like the McPoyles or anything- they didn’t fuck their family members, even if Charlie had married his maybe-dad but who knows Frank once. The point is that the gang was really bad, actually, like probably they  _ should _ have been jail, but at least they weren’t the McPoyles, though.

It was actually kind of a surprise that Mac never went to jail, because his dad was there for basically like his entire childhood, but most courts seemed to get annoyed with them and usually just this missed the cases to not deal with them. Charlie couldn’t quite agree with that tactic when he thought about it, but then he was a bird law expert, really, so that wasn’t really his field. 

But honestly the worst thing about Mac wasn’t even the illegal stuff, because who gives a shit about that, but that he was so fucking  _ weird _ about stuff all the time. Like, he had all these weird women issues and he said all this weird stuff to them all the time. That’s not even counting that he was like, blatantly racist- Charlie wasn't sure Mac had ever told a joke that wasn't either really racist or accidentally gay. Maybe it had something to do with his whole God thing. Charlie wasn't really an expert on that stuff because he never paid attention in Catholic school and he was pretty sure God was a phony.

He didn't have a really good track record with those kinds of things because his other best friend and maybe dad, Frank, was also pretty bad about that. He did all the same racism stuff, but he didn't really have the same imbitions as Mac did. That was what made him such a great best friend-  _ Mac _ thought he was too  _ good _ for the sewer, like a little BITCH, but Frank would slip and swim in the slime with Charlie all day. But it also made Frank pretty creepy to women, like trying to look up their skirts and stuff or just grabbing their boobs in a restront and almost ruining the whole fancy dinner Charlie had planned for their anniversary,  _ Frank _ , please don't make a  _ scene _ right now. Or putting mirrors on his shoes to look up their skirts and stuff. Kinda weird and gross, really.

Probably that’s where Dee and Dennis got it from, because they were usually pretty weird and gross too. They were creepy and Dee especially was just  _ bad _ sometimes, because she didn’t listen when Charlie said no and instead just put her fingers in his mouth and they tasted gross, like he’d eaten garbage that tasted better than her fingers but she kept them in there no matter how hard he bit them because her bones were made of steel or something, like Wolverine. And he didn’t like it, it was wet and gross and familiar but not in a good way and he didn’t like it at all but then the next day everyone went back to normal anyway so he just pretended like it didn’t happen.

Dennis didn’t do that with Charlie but he maybe did it with girls but mostly he was fine to Charlie and he was good at calming Charlie down and when he was in a good mood he explained things, too. He wasn’t usually in a good mood though, he had a temperature like hair triggers. It was like he always had a ball of Mad in there somewhere just waiting to come out, and then he’d scream at people or scratch them or break something. And he was competititive, every time they did a game he’d get so intense and then nothing mattered but winning and if he hurt someone along the way that was just a bonus. 

So the gang really wasn’t very good even if they liked to pretend they were, but they were Charlie’s bestest and maybe only friends and he liked them anyway. Even if they banged the Waitress, which he hated and he hated them for it a little, but they also let him play with the toilets and gave him a new rat stick and didn’t run away when he drank paint, so it kind of cancelled out really. They weren’t the best people but they were his best friends.

***

The gang were a bunch of boners who didn’t know shit from dick and couldn’t recognize talent if it punched them in the face. That was just a straight up fact. They were just dumb as hell, and they were lucky Dee was willing to put up with them and all of their shit. Honestly, she could do so much better than them and their stupid bird jokes, but she was still in her backstory phase so they would have to do for now. What better humble beginnings than a gang of dickheads?

Like her asshole brother, Dennis. That motherfucker was a rapist, plain and simple. Going around with his stupid D.E.N.N.I.S. system, harassing girls into sleeping with him. Dickbag. And then he had the nerve to pretend it made him a ladies’ man! Like he was so hot and impressive just because he tricked some teenager into sleeping with him. Dee was  _ way _ hotter than he was, and Dennis raping chicks and trapping them in his room or whatever didn’t mean dick. 

She could do without her sonofabitch not-father Frank, though. The goddamn bastard was never around when they were kids but now he just showed up and they had to put up with him? Bullshit. The only times he was around when she was young- younger- was when he’d show up to ruin vacations, get into a fight with her bitch mother, or ruin Christmas. The rest of the time he was just fucking gone, dicking around god knows where leaving Dee to deal with Dennis and Barbara alone. The closest thing he gave her to support was the back brace he technically paid for.

At least the other two weren’t her family. She was stuck with them, sure, but no legal ties. And thank god for that. Charlie was a straight up idiot. He couldn’t even read! And he was violent, too. Christ, the guy tried to torture a little person because he thought he was a leprechaun. Apparently he and Mac used to bash dogs for fun when they were kids like fucking psychopaths. And Dennis said something about he might have killed a kid recently? What the fuck was that? And that wasn’t even counting the probably hundreds of people he infected with the filth he was always covered in- or ringworm again.

Mac, on the other hand, was more desperate than anything else. He was always being weird about shit, either trying to get attention from Dennis or his dad or anyone who would look twice at him, or pretending he was some badass tough guy who knew karate and could defend the bar. That dumb twink probably couldn’t even take Dennis in a fight! His weight was all over the place- skinny, fat, regular, ripped- who the fuck knew what was going on with him? Half the time it was like he was just around to get people to smile at him, and the other half he was threatening to put someone’s eye out for making a crack about him. As if he wasn’t always laughing at the same stupid bird jokes instead of coming up with anything original. After all,  _ he _ wasn’t the comedienne of the group.

The gang as a whole was a mess. It was four walking disaster assholes who were lucky enough to have Dee put up with them even while they did dumb shit and broke the law and were just generally bad people. She was too good for those dickwads, really, both in terms of talent and as a person, but what is charity if not blessing the unfortunate? She blessed these men, unfortunately cursed with intolerable personalities and no brain cells, with her company. They dragged her along  _ everywhere, _ honestly. They couldn’t get enough of her. So, until Dee finally got the respect and success she deserved, she would continue to provide the single, solitary light in these guys’ lives. She _was_ a hero, after all.

***

They were probably the best gang in the whole world. They weren’t totally perfect or whatever, and sure the others were godless heathens who would definitely end up in hell, but as a gang they were pretty fucking cool. They had this really sick-ass bar where Mac was the super-level headed, super tough bouncer and they did stuff like flex on other bars and hunt people and shit. They were totally his best friends, even though individually most of them were kind of pieces of shit.

Like, he’d known Charlie since they were in diapers- but Charlie actually wore diapers until middle school, anyway- and that guy was probably his second best friend after Dennis, but he was all about himself, man. He walked around like he barely even realized other people were actually people and not interactive game pieces. He was shit at noticing anything that didn’t have to do with the waitress he was obsessed with, and good luck getting him to pay attention to anything. Most of the time he wouldn’t even bother trying to understand, just nodding along and echoing you for a while before just sort of walking away. The thing with that dude is that like he might care about you- more or less, anyway- but he wouldn’t care about  _ you _ you, if that made sense.

Dennis was kind of the same sometimes, but the opposite. Like, most of the time he knew that other people had feelings and thoughts and stuff and that what he did affected them. Unlike Charlie, he was aware that other people had actual souls (though he wouldn’t call them that because he hadn't accepted Jesus into his heart). He just used those thoughts and feelings and souls to make people around him do what he wanted. He wasn’t always good at it, even though he was so good-looking and smart and charismatic, but a lot of times he turned out to be conniving or pulling strings or some shit because he had this whole thing about control. 

Dee tried to be smart like Dennis but it didn’t work because she was just a dumb bitch. She wasn’t any good at lying- how she ever thought she could be an actress was absolutely beyond Mac- and when it failed she either tried to fuck her way out of it or got mad. Fucking didn’t usually work because of her disgusting bird body, so mostly she got mad and hit people and broke shit. Dennis did that too sometimes, but only when he was in a Mood. Dee was just like that all the time. And as a super tough beefcake fighter, Mac could respect that, except that A) Dee was a girl, B) her bones were made of glass even though she had her mom’s surprising arm strength, and C) she didn’t even have any technique like karate or anything, she just whacked shit with her hands.

Frank was more like Dennis because he was good at controlling people, too. He even controlled  _ Dennis  _ sometimes, like when the mafia was after them and Dennis was a gigolo for a while. And he had some really shady shit in his background, too. All that stuff with the sweatshops in Vietnam? What the hell was that? Mac had seen a little of the appeal when they were making dresses for Dennis but he couldn’t imagine doing it for 20 years, and he  _ definitely _ couldn’t imagine chopping those women up and putting them in the soup. Also, he couldn’t imagine eating soup every day, because that sounded gross. It made Mac a little sad sometimes that he was the only one who wasn’t kinda-maybe Frank’s kid, but mostly he was pretty happy not to be tied to that guy because he was balls-to-the-walls nuts. 

So maybe sometimes they weren’t always the best people, and they didn’t pay enough attention to other people or to Mac specifically, because he really deserved so much credit for everything and he like never got it, but they were still probably at least in the top 10 for world’s best gang. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis for sure, and maybe Dee and Frank. Either way, they were all a super awesome, super-talented, super-cool squad who could do anything they wanted and had nerves of steel. And if that didn’t make them the best gang, Mac didn’t know what would.

**Author's Note:**

> In case it's not obvious, the characters' views don't always reflect my own. Also, some of the shit I wanted to call them out for I couldn't get into it detail because I couldn't realistically imagine any of the others actually caring.


End file.
